My two favorite Emerson Mahoney quotes: "Imagine a team of all me's. Would be insane" and "I once had a nightmare that I couldn't run fast".

[Pax]: Hey Emer, hope you're happy to be back in the States. How was your time in China?

-[Emerson]: "I ate a scorpion, discovered unparalleled cuteness in kids learning English, and got a taste of 105 degree weather every single day. 

Hmmm, sounds like you just visited the state of Arizona. If you got an extra goal for every time Conor McGregor punched you in the face, how many punches would you take?

-"Are you serious? He would never be able to punch me in the face. That question easily has at least nine flaws."

So zero goals... noted. Great sacrifice for the team you got there, and unreal humility. If you could go D1 in anything, what would it be and why?

-"Well that's tough because I usually just play the cards I'm dealt, so I'd have to go D1 in not eating foco cookies for my entire college career because I'm inherently talented in that field."

Selena Neptune-Bear reported to our staff that she saw you gorging on foo cookies spring term, so I guess you're getting cut from that team. What was your GPA senior year?

-"My growth precision accuracy? A solid 93.4."

Terrible rating. The national average is around 167.3. Would you rather eat with your hands or get slapped in the face every morning, which would you choose and why?

-"I would get slapped in the face every morning because 1) that would get me fired up for the day, and 2) I need to be as clean as possible at all times."

Cool. Bar-down or post-in, and why?

-"Bar-down because I shoot to high to ever hit a side post."

Yep, that's why 80% of your shots sail into the sky, Marquette King style. What's your go-to celly?

-"I like to just throw the one handy up, celly with the boys, and then wheel through the line fist bumping the pine-riders."

I thought the pine riders were the- oh, never mind, was thinking of something else. Haha, good one there bud. If you could hook up with one life-sized candy, which candy would it be and why?

-"Cow tails, only candy I eat on a regular basis."

So sounds like that would be a good opportunity to continue doing so. Do you prefer reading text or listening to audiobooks?

-"I honestly have never listened to an audiobook."

You should try it sometime, it's waaaaaaaaay easier on the brain. If you could win an employee of the month award, which month would you want to win?

-"There isn't much of a choice there, September is my birth month so I'm always firing on all cylinders that month."

Oh, so you must always remember the 21st night of September. What is your fifth favorite brand of hockey gear?

-"Bauer, CCM, Easton, what else is there? Graf?"

I think there's also like Harrow or something. Why did you brutally steal the number 5 from Hunter Cohen?

-"Like I said before, I just play the cards I'm dealt."

Oh, I see. Well glad that Hunter went peacefully into the number 7. Would you rather be mediocre your entire life or be awful your whole life except one month of your choosing?

-"I would be awful my whole life, and in the one month I would be Rick from Rick and Morty."

What was *burps* was the worst you've been chirped in your playing career?

-"Probably getting called Bilbo at a face-off, it took me a few seconds to realize what was going on there, but then I got a good laugh."

I don't get that one. Oh wait, I get it! Lastly, who is your favorite family guy character?

-"Leonardo Da Vinci Stewie, it's a no-brainer."

Quite a contrarian that kid is, wow. That was a struggle. 

-Pax Bandicoot, senior editor for Dartmouth Men’s Club Hockey

Follow the team on twitter @DartClubHockey for in-game updates and additional media.